I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
