man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
