Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
