he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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