yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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