i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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