remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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