woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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