I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I love you. Go after that dick
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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