Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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