My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
