Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
