did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize