I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
