She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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