Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
