She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
