I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
