Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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