i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
