I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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