You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
