I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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