I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
