there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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