sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
