So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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