i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
