Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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