u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Randomize
