it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize