hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
