What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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