When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
