i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
