I like my sex mixed with concussions.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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