happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
