There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
farters have to be the big spoon...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
