Having a random hookup so left but love u
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
