just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
