he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
