Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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