Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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