i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
