the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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