i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
