I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
