i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
