my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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