I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I wear drunk well.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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