why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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