Just fell off a train. Bad.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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