I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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