Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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