Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
