He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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