He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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