i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
