in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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