Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
