Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
