there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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