youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
