I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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