I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize