Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
